If you find yourself getting caught up in the presidential primary season and getting more and more frustrated, step away from the news for a little fun. We have dreamed up some crazy cocktail recipes inspired by each of the remaining Democratic and Republican presidential candidates. [Please note, these recipes are completely satirical in nature. These cocktail recipes are not meant for drinking, but are purely meant to lighten things up with a little humor!] All the active candidates are fodder for our humorous take on presidential election season cocktail recipes.
Satirical Presidential Candidate Cocktail Recipes
1. The Candidate: Donald Trump (Republican)
The Cocktail: “The Donald” – Pour two parts Dom Perignon and one part castor oil into in a Depression-era Champagne coupe. Serve it with a lemon twist and topped with egg white meringue. Before you can drink, buy some Trump vodka and throw it out the window because it’s only the best for Donald Trump.
2. The Candidate: Hillary Clinton (Democrat)
The Cocktail: “The Hillary Rodham Clinton” – One part sweet and sour mix and one part each of seven different liquors (choose whatever seems to be the most popular, but one of the seven most be Crown Royal). Shake and then stir in two packets of Sweet-n-Low. Pour into an “I Love New York” coffee mug and drink while deleting emails.
3. The Candidate: Bernie Sanders (Democrat)
The Cocktail: “Feel the Bern Moscow Mule” – Mix two parts Fireball with one part homemade bottled ginger beer. Pour into a thrift store glass of any type and stir in authentic Vermont maple syrup to taste. Top off with Heady Topper beer (brewed in Vermont) and light on fire to “feel the Bern.”
4. The Candidate: Ben Carson (Republican)
The Cocktail: “The Surgeon” – With surgical precision, you must carefully extract a dead stink bug from the bottom of a warm glass of milk while reciting Old Testament verses before you can drink this cocktail.
5. The Candidate: Ted Cruz (Republican)
The Cocktail: “The Ted Collins” – Mix one part Canadian whiskey and one part sickly sweet lemonade soda served in a Collins glass while wearing a really bad suit and a super creepy smile.
6. The Candidate: Marco Rubio (Republican)
The Cocktail: “The Water Bottle” – Serve low quality plastic bottle rum poured into a plastic water bottle. Speak in a robot voice while drinking. Repeat yourself several times.
7. The Candidate: Jeb Bush (Republican)
The Cocktail: “The Little Brother” – Prepare a diluted mojito so weak that you wonder if there is actually any liquor in it at all.
8. The Candidate: John Kasich (Republican)
The Cocktail: “The Milquetoast” – Offer your guests an alternative to the Jeb Bush “The Little Brother” cocktail, but actually serve them the same drink. They won’t realize the difference.
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