Day 86 was written on:

August 26, 2006

I haven’t written in a while for three reasons: 1. I have been close up summer 2007.jpgreally sick, 2. I have not felt good about writing the truth that I’d been not eating well and I didn’t want to lie about it, and 3. I had lost my passion. I am sure that the latter two were caused by the first. I realize that this is not going to be a straight up line to perfect eating and health. And hell, my definition of eating poorly is a universe or two away from what it used to be–still, the parent in me is totally on my case.

Falling off the wagon now means eating sprouted, whole wheat pita spread with homemade almond butter, or packaged (already popped) organic popcorn with sea salt, or skipping my usual juicing routine in the a.m. because I’m sick of washing the damn machine.

The worst slip was eating two very big cookies from a local deli – in one day. Not organic, not whole grain. I got away with the cookies stomach-wise, but on my birthday I had a piece (okay, two pieces) of my mom’s homemade strawberry cake. However, I planned for it beforehand by juicing all day. And I paid for it afterwards – it made me sick as a dog. THE worst stomach cramping way into the night. Talk about self-sabotage.

Overall, for the past two and a half weeks of not writing, I did pretty well. I made an incredible gazpacho blender soup. So easy and tasty! Juicing more this past week is helping tremendously. Still not on target with meat. I’ve eaten fish and chicken about four times (not completely vegetarian yet). Trying to figure out protein substitutes is a hard one now. When I was a vegan for all those years I didn’t worry about it. I just ate at vegetarian restaurants in Chicago where I lived. But when I moved back to Oklahoma City there was only one veggie store/restaurant in town! Then I moved to Seattle and got sick. I went to a napropath who told me I “just wasn’t the type” that could be vegan. He told me to eat meat! So I did. Very reluctantly.

I remember that my return to consuming meat grossed me out so much I purposely numbed myself to it. I had to go into denial in order to eat animals again. I just turned off my moral compass. (I think that is what most people do.) Now, when I do eat flesh, I give thanks for the life and sacrifice of the animal I’m consuming. I know, that sounds completely new agey and nerdy, but I don’t care. I feel good about it. I’ve taught my son, Zack, to do the same.

I am easing back into the vegan lifestyle. I’m learning all kinds of new ways of thinking about and preparing food. I bought stuff to do my own sprouting. I also purchased a dehydrator. That was before I read in Cousen’s book, “Conscious Eating,” that I’m not the type that should eat dried out “wind” foods. Apparently, I’m a Vata, an Indian Dosha type, which is a way of categorizing individual constitutions. (Of course, Vatas are the most screwed up!) I still intend to use the dehydrator. I forked over the 118 bucks, and by god I’m usin’ it.

I’m reading the latest book by Ram Dass. I love how he writes about human foibles with so much heart and humor. Ram says you should give up a desire because the desire to give it up is stronger than the desire itself. But he also said that meditation and prayer are the methods to get that higher kind of desire. So, I’ve been meditating (of course, it’s more like, trying to meditate after so many years of not meditating). I think it’s helping.

The best news is that the gastric problems have cleared up. The aloe vera juice is what did it, primarily. I’ve just kept up with it. Drinking 4 to 20 ounces a day throughout the day. I have also still been taking the bioflora – healthy bioorganisms that help you digest food. No more reflux, as far as I can tell. I am sure that the enzymes and other good stuff from the greens I am juicing almost every day help as well. Cousens says that the body is capable of healing itself, if we give it the right ingredients to work with. I tend to agree.

On the road again.