10. Wee Weenie Carrot. Image: Lucie Smith
We love organic fruits and veggies here at Organic Authority, but that doesn’t mean we don’t have a certain fondness for those rejects from the green grocer’s table that look a little… different. Just because an edible piece of earth-grown goodness appears a bit bizarre, doesn’t mean it’s crammed full of chemicals or that it’s genetically modified to the max. In fact, you might think some of these succulent veggies look mouth-wateringly delicious. Vegetables grow into such cheeky forms due to a variety of environmental factors such as unfavorable growing conditions or inadequate pollination. But (speaking of inadequacy) is this an excuse for some of the lewder shapes these errant veggies take? You decide. Just remember: what we see says more about the purity of our minds than the failing of some fruity-looking fruit.
9. You say potato, we say good golly…
Image via Heavy Petal
Almost too explicit to be included; this potato’s resemblance to the male member is made the more stark by the way it’s being gripped. You know what we could do with one of these? Whip up some mashed potatoes! If the definition of an oddly shaped veggie is one that’s not in line with its normal body plan, this bad boy sure fits the bill.
8. Nice to meet you, Ben Dover…
Image via Heavy Petal
A switch of gender now with another bawdy view we might not expect from a potato. Two buttocks are placed on a plinth and we’d sooner not go into any more detail. As for a pseudo-scientific explanation, it looks like a case of Siamese twins – that’s two fruit growing together, which is actually not all that uncommon.
Now we’re as big fans of pomme de terres as the next culinarily inclined folks – a mid-sized, oven baked jacket potato (with its skin on, of course) provides almost half our recommended Daily Value of vitamin C plus a fair percentage of the potassium and vitamin B6 we need – but nutrients need some table manners too.
7. Parsnip caught with its pants down
Not according to this parsnip, which isn’t so much phallic as packing its very own projecting phallus. It’s like the bottom half of a miniature mannequin that was a little too well made, with a naughty bit it should put away. Either that or nature’s designer lost count and started on a third leg it couldn’t finish. Obscenely inspired.
6. Well hung carrot
Image: Gary Koelling
This next lascivious reject from Nature’s line of veggie dummies is a carrot letting it all hang out… But speaking seriously for a second about the causes of such abnormalities: when a root vegetable is growing and its tip receives damage, it’s liable to split, forming various roots joined at one point. Cue peels of laughter.
Of course, when they’re not getting all frisky and upsetting the in-laws, root veggies like these make for great grub. For a simple, tasty dish, try this: parboil some parsnips and carrots for 8-10 minutes; let them cool; toss them in olive oil, garlic, rosemary and seasoning; then roast for 35 minutes, or until golden brown. Delish!
5. Cheeky butt-tomato
What’s plump, juicy, has two squeezable cheeks and would look irresistible, however you dressed it? Hint: the answer has nothing to do with J-Lo and everything to do with this prime bit of beef – beef tomato, that is. With this evidence, it’s easy to see why tomatoes were once known as love apples.
4. Enough to make the other fruit blush
OK, phallic cucumbers we get. Squashes too. Even carrots we can understand. But tomatoes? These plump greenhouse products should be flying the flag for all things curvaceous, not flaunting bits that jut out at an embarrassing angle like a half-raised marquee. Maybe it was stored too close to the peaches.
For a mouth-watering yet devilishly simple salad to clean your palate after a meal, lay a few fresh slices of a deliciously, garden, fresh tomato on a serving plate, sprinkle with a pinch of fleur de sel, drizzle it with some balsamic glaze and extra-virgin olive oil. Can you say, yum?!
3. Strawberry doo-dah
Image: Tony Robinson via r3tr0fr34k
Dear oh dear, what do we have next on the menu? A strawberry that really shouldn’t have been allowed to grow into this shape. As we’re learning, it’s really not unusual for fruit and veggies to take on the amusing appearance of our own more private body parts. Enough to make Grandma cover her eyes.
Still, before we crack up, back to the scientific explanation bit: damage to one part of a given veggie can cause the growth to slow in that area while the rest continues to develop as normal, and even more mutation will occur if this happens while the plant is still in its embryonic stage.
2. Peppery porn
Image: Nex Ninek
No mutations in this next snapshot of vegetable naughtiness – just shamelessly choreographed eroticism of the bawdiest kind. Or smut, we prefer to call it. For shame. Soft vegetable porn if we ever saw it.
These peppers may have been exempt from such legislation, but did you know there was a recent attempt to reinstate an EU-wide ban on misshapen fruit and veggies, which was blocked over concerns that it would increase food wastage? “The shape of a fruit is irrelevant to its taste and nutrition,” said one British Euro MP in response to the proposed “uniform standardization parameters” which would have forbidden everything from curly cucumbers to fused fruit like those we’ve seen. “Bravo!” came the chorus from these coarsest of veggies.
1. Hot chilli pepper peckers
Image via Heavy Petal
Were these wayward peppers grown using moulds that helped shape them into these lewd forms – complete with wrinkles and folds? Apparently not – although the semblance between them and a certain part of the male anatomy seems too conspicuous for simple serendipity. Whatever next?
What can we say to conclude this XXX-rated garden show? Well for one we can wish all the contestants luck for the future. Not that they’ll need it. They’re living proof that ruder forms survive.