Cockroach Milk or Donald Trump? Because the Future Totally Sucks

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Cockroach Milk or Donald Trump? The Future Totally SUCKS

This is an historic date. Not because a woman just received the first major party presidential nomination in U.S. history; or because a bigoted, fear-mongering racist won the other party nomination; not because the Russians have launched a 1980s-Cold-War-style attack on our democracy; and not because record heat waves are plaguing most of the country, which is literally bursting into flames (at least it was on my commute today). No, this is an historic date because it is the day we have to accept something so monumentally gross it's enough to make you nonstop gag for the rest of your (presumably short) life. Perhaps it’s your worst nightmare. I know it’s mine. Two words are about to change life as you know it. They're two words you've heard a million times. But never together. Not until now. So, for safety reasons, you should probably remove any food or beverages from your mouth before you read the next sentence. Okay, the next one (I want you to have fair warning). Cockroach milk is a thing--for humans. I'm so sorry.

And now that I’ve typed those two words consecutively, so that they mean exactly what you think they mean, I’ll tell you why I had to do it—after a short gagging sesh, of course.

We know the days of guzzling cow milk en masse are likely numbered—not only is it highly allergenic for a number of people, but it’s highly unsustainable for the planet, especially as the global penchant for all things animal-based hits peak levels, particularly in developing nations. While there are certainly some humane dairy farms out there, the overwhelming majority of the industry is a literal living nightmare for our docile bovine friends. And with flavorsome near identical plant-based replacements widely available—the ubiquitous almond milk, soymilk, rice milk, cashew milk, coconut milk are just a few—there’s no real reason to continue our exploitation of cows for a few measly drops of cream.

But why in the world would anyone suggest drinking that which shall not be named? We already have an abundance of dairy alternatives.

“Chock full of protein, the [NO NO NO] milk may someday be transformed into a food supplement worthy of human consumption,” CNN reports. And they’re not talking about Donald Trump.

In particular, the research looked at the Pacific Beetle Cockroach, who produce a sort of “magic” protein crystal that gets fed to baby cockroaches. Aw. I mean, EW.

Not surprising, the protein crystals are extremely potent, ergo the impermeable cockroach (I bet one is reading this from the vent in my ceiling). These magic cockroach crystals contain a significant amount of energy mass—about four times that of cow’s milk.

The good-ish news is that to extract the protein-rich gooey innards of the pests is highly inefficient. So researchers are looking to reverse bioengineer the crystals, which could take the gross factor down a notch. (But not entirely. Because.That.Will.Never.Happen.)

So, you know. If Trump does become president and we’re thrust into the inevitable end times, at least we’ll be able to justify guzzling down cockroaches—that is, if there’s a future worth doing something that gross for.

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The only thing worse that writing this article was finding the cockroach image graciously provided by Shutterstock

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