Tom Brady, quarterback of the New England Patriots, just scored a touchdown for fans of the vegan diet. The “Deflategate” QB has launched his very own brand of vegan snacks. And none of them are nacho flavored. They will, however, cost you about as much as a ticket to a game--that is, if you can score a box. Because these snacks sold out like Super Bowl tickets in just a few hours.
A box of Brady’s signature 12 1.4-1.75 ounce packs of raw, gluten-free, and yes, vegan-diet-approved goodies retails for $50—that’s right fifty American dollars—as in the amount of money I may or may not have lost betting that Brady would be banned from the NFL for life after Deflategate.
Apparently, cheating tastes pretty good, especially if you add coconut.
But, fans, don’t cry fumble just yet--because these treats are reportedly pretty darn healthy. And if you consider that the average football player suffers like six million concussions before the age of 29, these are way, way healthier than actually playing football. So, score! And they sound kinda tasty too—certainly better than the standard greasy stadium fare or all those hideous 15,000-calorie athletic performance protein shakes that reportedly contain entire raw chickens, football finger tape residue, the carefully shredded ties of arrogant sports commentators, and, oh yes, a delicate pinch of the tears of all the little boys (and, ahem, 44-year-old moms) not allowed to play the most important sport in history because of previously mentioned concussions. Football may be a dying sport, but we'll be damned if Tom Brady is going anywhere. Ever. Like, seriously, with this diet, he's sure to live FOREVER.
So what does Tom Brady consider snack-worthy fare? Is it hot sauce-dipped Cheetos or Swedish fish filled Oreos? Nope. Nope. The TB12 snacks are made from truly organic superfoods including raw cacao (pure chocolate beans), goji berries, almonds, cashews, camu camu berries, and blueberries, to name a few ingredients. And, get this, they’re also totally intercepting packaging waste (yes, I said it!) because they’re not wrapped in ordinary plastic. Oh no. These babies are like the Immaculate Reception of food packaging. They’re the Lombardi Trophy of trash. Why? Because they’re wrapped in biodegradable rice paper. For realsy.
So, yes, in case you were wondering, this may just be the most anti-football snack line from a football player ever. It’s certainly a long way from Peyton Manning’s Papa John’s endorsement deal. But we are talking Tom Brady, here. The same guy who just released a $200 cookbook.
He and supermodel wife Gisele Bündchen made headlines earlier this year with their 80/20 diet—a diet that focuses on plant-based foods 80 percent of the time and animal products the remaining 20 percent. And in case you were wondering, they don’t “do” dessert, either. Unless you count raw cacao and avocado mousse and, I'm assuming, Tom Brady's daily hour of mirror-gazing.
In June, New York Magazine writer Rebecca Harrington attempted to eat like the star couple for a week, without the help of celebrity chefs who typically do the food prep for the Bradys.
“All told, I made several dishes for dinner and they were all unsuccessful in different ways,” she wrote.
But lucky for those of us who either hate cooking healthy food, or worse, hate eating lots of it, we can now delicately nibble on TB12’s tasty Amazon Crunch while we’re eyeing those footballs in his fingers to make sure they don’t seem, well, a little too like the shriveled up goji berry in our snacks. And, actually, we should probably weigh the snacks too…you know, just in case they’re also a little light.
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Image via Keith Allison