Bulletproof Coffee ‘FATWater’: The Ridiculously Tragic Sign That the Apocalypse is NOW

Bulletproof Coffee 'FATWater': The Ridiculously Tragic Sign That the Apocalypse is NOW

You did it: You put your precious coffee into a blender with globs of greasy butter and gloppy half-melted coconut oil and told yourself it was for the best. You couldn’t tell if it was the Bulletproof coffee that gave you more energy throughout your day, or if it was just the WTF factor that made you more wide-eyed. The placebo effect is like, more than 40 percent at least. I mean, really, oily coffee? It seems like something you’d get at a fast food drive thru in the middle of nowhere—like the fryer guy also works the coffee station at 5 a.m.

But who am I to judge your morning cuppa ritual, or Dave Asprey, the “inventor” behind the Bulletproof coffee craze, for that matter? Well, actually, I take that back. After hearing that Asprey has now “created” Bulletproof water, I’m full of judgments.

You guys, it’s called FATWater.

And according to Asprey, not only does his coconut-oil infused FATWater hydrate you (duh), but it apparently helps you burn more fat because of the monounsaturated fats (MUFAs) in the super molecularified coconut oil. This is what he told the NY Daily News: “The oils enhance thermogenesis, which is a fancy word for ‘fat burning.’ They get burned as energy and have an appetite-suppression effect. It’s not like we put in sunflower oil or canola.” Don’t you just love how he takes a dig at other oils to make his oily water product seem so superior and necessary?

Okay, so he’s not totally wrong—all oils are not created equal. (The recent FDA trans fat ban is proof enough.) And there is research that specifically links MUFAs to weight loss. But c’mon: Is this really necessary? Isn’t this just a gimmick that Asprey can easily sell based on the success of his oops-make-this-coffee-butter-trick-at-home-for-free popularity?

Asprey actually called it “disruptive technology for beverages.”

You know what’s disruptive? Selling people overpriced commodities in chemical-laden plastic bottles and telling them it’s good for them. And here’s some irony: even if FATWater is supposed to make you lose weight, the shitstorm of chemicals in the plastic water bottles will send your metabolic function into a total tailspin—in essence, negating the so-called benefits of that delicious oily water.

Obviously, if this greasewater concept appeals to you, you can make it at home just like you do that coffee concoction—just sub the water for coffee. Or instead of gagging down oily water, you could slather coconut oil onto your toast while you sip refreshingly clean non-oily water. Or pour some flax oil onto your salad. Or add some healthy fat-rich hemp seeds to a smoothie. Or eat an avocado for lunch. You know, it’s called being a healthy person.

Granted, Asprey’s FATWater is not soda. I mean really, thank god it’s not another bubbly, sugary, totally worthless beverage gimmick. But fat water?

Please tell me this is as bad as it gets. Please. I can’t take any more marketing crap that preys on our insecurities and addiction to novelty. Plus, I don’t know what I’ll do if I see anyone pouring a precious bottle of claret or a craft beer into a blender with butter.

Find Jill on Twitter and Instagram

Related on Organic Authority

$26 Almond Butter: A Tale of American Food Prices

Insane Doritos Flavors Sum Up Everything Wrong with the Food System

The 13 Grossest Processed Foods People Actually Pay Money to Eat