The Air Diet: Really, No Food at All?

Just when you’ve sworn off all diet fads, tossed your copy of The Zone for Dummies in the trash, and flushed your get-thin pills down the toilet, you catch word of the diet you’ve been missing all these years, the diet so simple, so obvious, you can’t believe you didn’t patent it yourself. The one diet to finally put an end to all other diets: the Air Diet. That’s right, baby, just breathe. No, really, just—and only—breathe, because this diet includes zero food.

Getting high on air has been a common practice of spiritual yogis for thousands of years, but it’s never been something that we normal lay folk get down with.

All of that changed in 1980 when madman—or genius, you decide—Wiley Brooks founded the Breatharian Institute of America. Brooks’ theory was that air alone can keep our bodies physically active and manifested in complete light. (It’s a strong sell; certainly no foods that I currently consume are keeping my body manifested completely in light.)

So what do you need to do to become a full-fledged Breatharian? The process is rather straightforward. Step one: binge on fast food.

Stop the record. Fast food?

Well, sort of. Cheeseburgers and French fries are necessary to balance out one’s inner and outer being prior to, and intermittently during, one’s Air Diet. When surrounded by a culture of junk food, Brooks claims that consuming them makes one whole. Step aside, L. Ron Hubbard, there’s new crazy in town.

Apparently the French have signed off on this wild theory now, as they’ve recently dubbed it the “Virtual Eating Diet” and are using Madonna, Dolce & Gabbana and other celebrity pawns as figures to promote the diet.

Join the Air Diet movement. Make yourself a plate of warm, cheesy pasta. Or if you’re on a budget, just imagine it. Hell, even draw it on a piece of paper. It doesn’t matter, since you’re not eating this pasta. Just close your eyes, hold out your hand, and pretend to wind up a thick chunk of pasta onto your imaginary fork. Now airplane that imaginary pasta right into your mouth. Ah, satisfaction.

image: Lohb